Day 59 Fear and sadness

bernardLast week I was 5 days on an island and I was without internet but could occasionally just one time have a view at my account on facebook and hotmail

I was stunned when I saw that Bernard Poolman was deceased. My first thought was: we will not survive with Desteni. It’s all been for nothing. I realized that this was just a scary thought and actually nonsense. I compared his death with the death of Jesus, whose message is largely lost. But now we have all communication in another way than 2000 years ago, this is incomparable. I got support for the idea that a lot Destonians the process engaged for years and on the way to realization and that all the tools are in place to achieve this goal. Meanwhile, I read many blogs of people who said goodbye to Bernard, and had known him well and maintain their gratitude. It was very hard to read the blogs and a great sadness engulfs me when reading them. With all the blogs I cry and try to breathe through it. I know that these are all just projections of the mind and I would like to find out what makes me so sad.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be shocked when reading the message that Bernard is deceased.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have an experience of anxiety with the thought that Bernard is no longer in his physical presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that everything has been lost now Bernard is gone.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attach to a person and in this way I was preventing to lead my own life independently with the tools that this person has offered me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed I cannot meet Bernard in order to receive support by going through my process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself  to think I can not go through the process on my own, while there is enough support by the group like tools, courses and buddies.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have an experience of sorrow when reading the message that Bernard is deceased.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger by reading the message that Bernard is deceased, in which I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience dishonesty as a similar feeling I had when my mother died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recognize a fear of death because this post shows death can happen suddenly, in which I feel the fear not having enough time to complete the journey to life before I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed because I thought that the realization of Bernard would be a guarantee for a very long life on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling sorrow when reading the testimonies of the Destonians’ showing experiences and gratitude.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose someone on this earth while I am seeing that I am attached to him to have a grip on my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself seeing my sorrow consists of self-pity because I did not dare to go on living without that person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and left because the death of Bernard feels like losing a father figure.

I commit myself the when I feel sadness, anger, disappointment about the death of Bernard to stop and breathe and realize that I am just grateful for everything he has given this world and the tools that are now available me to realize that life can be realized in unity and equality.

I commit myself when I feel sadness, anger, disappointment because of the death of a loved one to stop and to breathe and realize that these emotions are based on self-pity and fear, in which I commit myself to go for one and equality for all.

Thanks Bernard!

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Over marjajourney

OVER MIJN BLOG in deze procesblog beschrijf ik gedachten, gevoelens en emoties die niet van mij zijn, zij zijn slechts een systeem van de mind en niet wie ik werkelijk ben. Door middel van adem, zelfoprechtheid , zelfvergeving en zelfverantwoording, stop ik met het voeden van het mindsysteem in elk moment, om zo te kunnen realiseren wie ik werkelijk ben.
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4 reacties op Day 59 Fear and sadness

  1. Thank you for sharing Marja!
    And yes, we continue to stand for and as the living principles of equality and oneness as life – and each one is able to investigate what of oneself one had projected to Bernard / what Bernard represented, and find that within oneself to end the separation-projection and live-it as an actualized expression and a quality of/as oneself.

  2. Thanks Marja for this blog. Reading other blogs has also been causing some more tears within me through how I have defined myself according to B and his support. Now we gotta fill in this gap he left within ourselves, because it has always been us who had to fill that gap, not B.

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